Miyerkules, Abril 15, 2015

Crushing on Boys

       Having crushes is inherently normal. But in my case it can be viewed by some as offly weird, abnormal and sometimes anomalous. That's how hard it was for me growing up. Living to the said standards is quite frustrating and problematic. It's depressing how others can just take one look at you and be judged as somebody peculiar. Just because you don't fit in that category set for you. You get teased, bullied and made fun of just because you don't act the same as the others of your kind. You get treated differently as if you're deemed weak and incapable. I've been through all of that. All the hate, all the teasing, all the back calls, all the stares, all of the discrimination. It would've been a sad life for me lest I haven't risen from all of it. 
       Risen from all of it, I did. I made sure I wouldn't be just known as the weird kid in our place but an exceptional one. I did good in school and been a great kid people took notice of. I have garnered respect from being somebody beyond reproach. It worked, but not totally. I am still dealt with the occasional remarks and the malicious stares. I'm a living testament to how hard it is to survive and live under the scrutiny of others. You move and act as if dictated and controlled by forces unknown. I've learned to hide my real feelings and inner dealings just as not to be further judged. I'm always in constant worry how I would be treated once I leave the safety of my home. The fact that my family is well known in our area didn't help. It only meant more eyes on me. Of course nobody wants to be a disappointment to their family. So I have to work extra harder to show them that even if I'm like this I can still do good.
       Crushing on boys is the ultimate indication of ones sexuality. The common in denial commentary would be that having a crush is only a sign of admiration. Bullocks! It's totally crazy. There's a fine line between admiration and having a crush on somebody. When you're experiencing the latter one then it's confirmed. You belong to the third sex category. I belong in the same group. I know it's hard to live like this and am still living, surviving each day as a normal human being.
       Yeah, it was hard growing up like this and I've known since I was young that I was definitely different from the rest of my peers. I grew up living with a bunch of women that I somehow absorbed all that they embody. It figures why I have a certain affinity to girls. Not romantically but the sisterly, friendly way. And the absence of a father figure, who was working in Saudi that time, during my formative years didn't help. As you can deduce with my earlier statements, I got teased a lot. Being fat didn't help, so I was bullied twice as much. I was called a lot of names; baboy, bakla, prinsesa, tabachoy, babsi, manay and many more highly insulting words of degradation. So I made a choice to stand up and show them I'm better than the rest of them considering I have my eccentricities. It somehow worked and eventually they saw me as their equal and the respect was earned. The teasing became less and less and beyond earshot. I know it's still there. People talking behind my back. At least now it's less vulgar and they are less vocal of their judgments of me.
       Nobody wants to be born this way. It's not a choice to be different, it's just there. The choice therefore is how you live your life knowing that you are different. On how you would treat this kind of uniqueness. How to turn a seemingly disadvantageous thing (as how others may view it) to your advantage. How you deal with the card you were dealt with. How you rise above all the challenges it would bring. I'm not gonna lie, but if given a chance to be born normal I would definitely grab the it. Who wouldn't want a normal childhood. A normal life which doesn't evoke curious stares and distasteful gazes. But I'm already here brandishing the word queer on my forehead. And it's entirely up to me how I go about my life. I'm proud of who I am now. No regrets. Totally at ease with the reality of it all. Totally embracing the fact that I'm different and loving it.    
       After years of existence I've learned a lot and matured into somebody stronger. Oblivious of other people and what they have to say. That for me is what winning really means. Freedom in its totality. My finest hour. It should be you who defines yourself and not others. Because you know yourself best. Nothing, nothing should beat you down. No amount of words however harsh should affect the way you want to live and exist. Freedom, baby it's yours so take it by the balls. Nobody should be able to take that away from you. Don't let them.  And as my story continues I'm still crushing and gushing at boys. That will never change and go away because that's me. My nature if I may say so. For those who disagree go to he**. That's my reality go seek yours.              

Martes, Abril 7, 2015

Second Chances

       Have you been in the situation where you are so dreading the word betrayal, and then it happens. To you, yes you, and nobody else. Suddenly you become that person you often see on TV and in movies. Your world starts to crumble at its foundation and begin to cave in. Your heart pierced and maimed repeatedly. As your eyes dry out from tears. As you feel yourself lost in a trance and incapable of feeling anymore. Then you just want it to end and be done with it. One time only and no more.   
       After all these, are you still willing to make sacrifices for things to work  out the second time around. Do you really believe that everything will turn out okay in the end? That everything will just magically return back to how it was before that awful truth came out? It's either you are in denial or just a martyr. Or just blind to see people just don't change in that brief instant or change at all. It's like cancer which sometimes go on remission and when it comes back, often than not, it becomes  even more aggressive.
       It's like being God when you are dealt with the task to decide whether to give somebody a second chance. It's a make or break it moment that will actually commandeer the rest of your life. So why should I be a believer in second chances.
       Second chances are a bit overrated. You don't have to ask for it in the first place if you have done your part better the first time. Been considerate and faithful to begin with. Does that mean that whenever a person commits a mistake they are, or should be justified and be considered a fluke. A fluke that could happen once in a while. With that in mind what is your guarantee that it will never happen again? What's stopping the person from hurting you over and over again? A change of heart? I don't think so. Not unless they become sainted.
       The thing is after the deed was done and second chances given, you would always have doubts and disbelief. There would always be a very dark cloud hanging over your relationship for the rest of your life. And for me that very thing is not healthy and in the long run will eventually cause you future problems. Then you'll just end up in the same situation you were in before you've dealt them another chance.    
       Practicality should be considered foremost and not some perverted reasons in staying in a nuisance of a relationship. Love being one of these reasons. You may be sure that you are so in love with the person but the question should be is he/she in love with you that much to even consider committing relationship treason. Another is separation anxiety. You've been together a long time that you got so used to having the person around. Well, wake up and smell the roses. Apparently the person doesn't feel the same way, for every time you're not around he/she finds comfort in somebody else. The fear of having to give up on the relationship after years of building it up, strikes a lonely chord in you. Everything gone to waste. All the effort, all the time and all the emotions. That's really sad but the thing is you should see yourself in the way he/she sees you. A back up plan that would be handy once it doesn't work anymore with the third party. The person he/she can go back to when he/she gets tired of the other one. A post always there for him to lean and fall back on in times of crisis and in times of guilt. A person which gives them a sense of stability. In short, a thing, some material he uses for his advantage and at his convenience. Stripped of love and emotions. Agree? Another is if there are already kids to consider. A friend told me once that when you already have kids you're not only deciding for yourself but them as well. One should take into consideration the welfare of the kids. What this decision would do to them and how it would impact their lives presently, and in the future. Kids should always come first. Sad reality. But it's there.
       Been there, done that. I had several first hand experiences in being betrayed. I can tell you it's not fun. In my three relationships, all of them ending tragically. Root cause is betrayal. The dreaded third party. It's true what they say that not all parties are supposedly fun. This kind of party is dreadful, heart wrenching and emotionally draining. The experience has thought me not to be trusting and to be very selective of people. And as far as second chances go, they prove to be immaterial and a total waste of time. All it does is buy you time till you move on into a new relationship. Or dig a deeper grave for you to wallow into. The feeling of restlessness comes with the territory. In the end you'll end up looking spent and haggard from all the worrying and all the suppositions. Worries regarding 'where the hell is he/she?', 'what the hell he/she might be doing at this moment?', 'is he/she with somebody else?', 'why isn't he/she answering their phone?', and other things like that. These questions will eat you alive and then what will be left? It's better to rid yourself of the philandering goon as early as possible before they suck up all that is good in you. Because if not, all you'll have left is hatred and anger. Like what happened to me. Sometimes I see people as objects. All the hurt have drained me of compassion. It's hard for me to feel, not unless I fake it. In that department I'm so good that I secretly applaud myself.  I'm a frustrated actor, so that would explain a lot on how I deal with emotions.     
       I'm not saying that you should totally abandon second chances. And be bitter like me. I'm just saying you reconsider and look deeper into the person. If he/she indeed deserves that second go. Be mindful of the extent of betrayal that you've been dealt with and the capacity of the person for change, and their capacity for fidelity. In short know your partner well before you even think about entering a relationship. A lengthy courtship will indeed help. It will definitely save you a lot of heartaches and headaches. Second chances are indeed overrated for me. Might not be the case for you but I hope you reconsider. 
      

Linggo, Nobyembre 23, 2014

About Me

I'm often perceived as snobbish and snooty.
Kids love me. I don't know why. Often times I do think maybe I look like a clown.
I might smile at you and then frown once you turn your back.
I'm highly appreciative. A piece of candy can generate heartfelt thanks.
Sometimes judgmental depending on the person. If you're nice then we're good but if nasty then all sorts of    judgement will be passed.
I'm nice to decently, nice people and otherwise if not.
I often have evil thoughts. Having them have become a perfect pastime for me.
I love to read books and can finish one in a day depending on how much I like it.
I'm an expert in holding grudges. I might not express it all the time but I'm not the kind that forgets.
A person who you don't want to be in a pickle with. Mainly because when I get mad I explode.
Very selective when it comes to people I talk to and choose to be friends with. And those I hang out with.
Antagonistic in nature. I'll surely fight for something I know is right against all odds regardless who I'm dealing with.
It's in my nature to be nice somehow. So when I forget who I'm portraying, which is supposed to be a bitch, I tend to be nice to almost everybody. Even the 'unlikeables'.
I'm a trove of conflicting ideas that I sometimes confuse myself.
Hate people who divulge other people's secrets. It's not theirs to tell in the first place.
I unfriend people on a daily basis. Just add them and unfriend later. Feels nice to do that.
I'm quite honest if asked for my opinion but wouldn't voice it out if unsolicited.
I find it amusing to be nice to those I don't like. It's like stabbing them on the back every time.
Hypocrisy fascinates me.
Sometimes I revert to it to be civil with people that don't amuse me.
I'm very transparent so just look for clues and you'll be enlightened.
I've changed so much. I'm a far cry of my old self.
When you see me frowning, I'm definitely thinking about something.
If caught smizing and grimacing, I'm definitely concocting a rather superfluous evil thought.
I'm more afraid of the living than the supernatural. 
I've been left out, cheated on, duped and swindled by people I chose to be close to.
Some people say I have such a sweet smile and that makes me smile more.
I don't trust so easily.
I find it easier to hate than to love.
I'm writing this as the thoughts come to me. And it has come to my attention that most of them are positively negative (chuckles)...
... still thinking at present of what else to write in here.
And I'm writing this to have a sense of release. Not for anything else. 

Linggo, Hunyo 22, 2014

Ways On How To Shut Up An Obnoxious Person

       I'm the kind of person who doesn't really care most of the time. Who easily gets bored especially if I don't like the person I'm talking to. And for most of the time doesn't really care for stuff that doesn't concern me. So I have my ways for silencing people who I don't want to converse with anymore than I like to strangle somebody. Seriously, there are those that just couldn't shut it. Those that love the attention, they just talk others to boredom and apparent annoyance. Sometimes going on and on about the same topic over and over again. Drives you to madness and obscurity. Obnoxious fellows who I dare not name. And dare not be caught in a conversation with. People who think that what they have to say is far more important than anything there is. Persistent, egoistical, blabbering globs commonly followed by indistinct buzzing.
       So here are some effective ways of avoidance and for shutting somebody up to save yourself from relentless bugging and buzzing.

Busy as a Bee

       Pretend you have a lot to do and too preoccupied to even pay attention and listen.
   
       "OMG! Why is it that I have a lot to do?" (gushing to yourself). "I have to focus. I'm getting nowhere near finishing this. I'm so stressed." 

       You say this while you act as if you're doing a lot of stuff all at the same time. You should also look panic stricken and so beside yourself for this to work. The person might even end up helping you. And keep on sighing just to prevent the start of a conversation.

Daydream on...

       You have your attention elsewhere. In deep thought with a distinct look of fantasm. Or in a place so far, far away. Even if you can hear everything coming out of their singular mouth.

       Silence.... Throw in some grunts and soft sighs. And don't forget that faraway look.

       You should display a vacant expression as if lost in your own thoughts of love and fairies and happily ever afters.

Affirmation

       Just nod, say yes or agree to everything and whatever they have to say. Don't offer lengthy comments. Limit them to monosyllabic responses. Lengthy replies would just boost them and fuel their drive to talk more. Short responses would only signify lost of interest and boredom. So eventually they will get tired and pissed then shut up.

      "Ahhhh... Yah.; Yup; Yes; Nice; Really?; Really nice.; Great!; Awesome!; Wow!," so on and so forth.

       You should have an almost fake smile plastered on your face and all too eager nod to accompany each affirmation. And an all too solemnly sad face if it's something tragic he/she's talking about. Key here is to exaggerate. Exaggeration may cause annoyance and that will be the end of a tragic, ear splitting narrative.

Hello Telephone

       Pretend you are talking on the phone and need to go elsewhere for privacy. The reception is bad and you need to find some signal. You are expecting a call at any moment and the signal is bad that you have to leave in search of a better signal bearing place so far off. Again there is a need for sublime exaggeration. Be comical if need be.

       "Hello, hello... I'm losing you. Dyan kapa ba? The reception is crappy. Do you hear me? You still there? Choppy, choppy...." "Walang signal. I'm expecting a call. Wait lang ha, hanap lang ako ng signal."

       It's lame I know but works with a smile towards your bubbling, twitting friend.   

Restroom Break/May I Go Out

       Fake a need to go to the restroom. Works all the time. Just be fancy with the reason for doing so. Hint on a worse case scenario about to happen if you don't go. An impending pee fest, a diarrhea about to unleash its full wrath. Accompanied with constant grunting and cramps, the likes.

Puzzlement

      Suddenly open a topic on which he/she isn't well versed with or have no idea about. That would definitely shut them up. Giving you the power to return the compliment by talking too much. That would make them realize that what they're doing isn't acceptable and humane.
       Or it can be you who's the puzzled one. You can pretend that you know nothing of the topic at hand and just be dumb about it. This would cause sudden irritation on the part of the ever so talkative person. Ending the supposed to be long and tiring tirade.
       In order for this to work, you should look a quite uncertain and a blank 'what the hell are you talking bout' kind of look. Ask obvious questions and repeatedly nag the person of a question that would make them end up to be lost in translation themselves. Crafty.    

Diversion

       Divert their attention onto something else as trivial as they may come. Or to somebody they'll probably or more likely to talk to. Relinquishing their attention and transferring it to that very unlucky person. Giving you leverage to just butt in from time to time instead of constantly quacking and gawking at the person. And the chance to edge out of the conversation and be totally out of it. Better them than you. It can be tiring to be so eager and  to look interested and highly conversant even if you wanted to do otherwise. It's relinquished burden.

Deaf Defying Act

       When they start on something, pretend you haven't heard them the first time. And constantly do it again and again. Thus, giving them the idea that you're not paying attention to what they're saying. Deeming what they have to say unimportant and irrelevant to you. That alone would make them think that you're not worth hearing whatever they have to say however cliche it is.

       "What? Didn't hear you the first time." "What's that again? I wasn't paying attention." "Really? Really? Seriously? Come on?"

       Questions like these would surely frustrate the person leaving you to your own thoughts. Not your fault since you are more deaf than a legit deaf person. It's hard to beat a dramatic, expertly put scene.

Secrets

       As soon as your friend opens their mouth. Beat them to the punch by appearing dreamy and full of secrets. Wet their appetite by hinting on a secret that you don't have the liberty to tell. Be overly dramatic on refusing their request for a juicy tidbit. So just sashay your way into amorphous, flowery interlude and then divulge nothing in the end. Let them wait and suffer. Come up with colorful reasons on why you can't tell a soul about your scoop. This will turn you into the star and that defeats their purpose of purposefully edging themselves into the spot light. This will totally drive them crazy, pissed at you. Ending something that was supposed to have suck the life out of you.    
             
  
       So there you go... a few easy ways to cast a stopper into those hungry, word vomiting friends and foes. Just be classy and convincing with an edge of  sarcasm and they will definitely work wonders.          
     

        

Lunes, Pebrero 17, 2014

Appear, Disappear

     Mirror, mirror on the wall. Whose the fairest of them all? I bet the evil queen always thought about her appearance more than anything else in her life and of course power, how can I forget. But do they go hand in hand? People now have the obsession over how they would look in other people's eyes. For a lot, it pays to be good looking and if not, at least to be somehow appealing. That's why the most famous hang out of people nowadays are cosmetic and derm clinics, salons, gyms, spas and parks conducive for doing all sorts of exercise from yoga to tai chi to simple jogging and cycling. It's been a storm sweeping our country. Like a plague so infectious you can't help but succumb to it. It's been a trend to decrease our melanin count and be the fairest of them all. All sorts of gluta something had been out on the market selling like pancakes coupled by papaya soaps and some other whitening soaps, lotions and medications. Facilities aiming on reduction and augmentation have sprouted like mushrooms. Before everything became to be all about looks, the only products I could remember which lighten skin were Block and White and Likas papaya soap. Do looks really have any bearing in everything that we do? Is it really that important to please everybody by appearing to be so picture perfect and fashionable? Is it all about the image?
       For some it becomes an investment towards getting what they want. That's power. So trust them to go to any lengths just to make themselves appear classy and so chic. For me, I honestly think that no amount of designer clothes and signature stuff can change that. It's either you were born with it or not. So it's really pointless to try so hard to conceal and layer stuff on oneself just to convince others that we are otherwise our original selves. Some people do try so hard as to buy new clothes just because they're due to attend an event. Where they await to be lambasted with mock flattery and admiration. They use appearances to boast and pretend to be better than the lot. To be talked about and commended on how expensive looking their clothes are. As if that will define the person wearing them. Clothes are just clothes, nothing more. You can't really hide behind them and pretend that you are what you want others to think of yourself.
       Everybody now is so concerned about how they would appear before people. Appearances have become an obsession of ours. I thought only famous people and actors do that. Because it's a part of their gig to look great and hot for us to better appreciate them. Now it has rubbed upon us to always look at ourselves and assess how we could improve and further ourselves in the process. It has become a habit to pay the mirror tons of visits before we set foot outside our comfort zones. Makes me wonder about life. Is life a big production number where we have to look good every time? Where our looks and images are what counts most? Is everything for show and are we living our lives like actors in a real time teleserye? A telenovela orchestrated by none other than ourselves. Where we can pretend and make others believe. Playacting on a daily basis, convincing others as well as ourselves that we are what we show and do. Who are we kidding but ourselves in the end.
       The upside of this is it acts as a confidence booster. Good clothes and great accessories inspire confidence. A better appearance, meaning fairer skin, a nice hairstyle and a good build, can mean a better outlook in life. It's like a superhero cape that once you don it gives you the ability to do just about anything. Making you stand a bit straighter and taller. Putting ourselves in the task of self improvement may mean better prospects in life, may it be on our careers or in love. Since a lot of people bank on the way we look, it may mean being taken more seriously by others. An added respect also goes with it. It also helps in facing people without feeling inadequate in their eyes. When I say these, I'm not only talking about clothes and  the physicalities in general but also the way we live and act  around others. What gadgets we have, what tours we take, and the kind of food we eat. All of these are what makes the modern person we see everyday. All of a sudden we do pay so  much attention to all these mundane stuff. So sorry to tell you guys but none of these really counts. Maybe for simpleminded, shallow people who only care about price tags and blings. But then again, these things shouldn't be the defining character in our lives. How much we have and what we can afford shouldn't be the standard of how to live life. We shouldn't be simply defined by materials things and the likes. Because if we lose them, then who will we be? Surely, we do somehow feel the need to better ourselves and reach our maximum potential. But, a big but, is that we don't exist just to impress and please others. We are our own masters. So the only ones we should be pleasing would have to be first and foremost ourselves.
       The said reality is that everything now rests on the appearances we tend to show others. People who can't afford decent homes have the latest gadgets. Those who can't afford to buy decent meals are always dressed to impress. Those who can't afford to get themselves much needed necessities and in over their heads in debts can afford lavish beach escapades. All for the sake to be able to post everything and be commended by people that they can in fact afford this and that and how cool that they have and been able to go to this and that place. Life must be good. I know that first impressions do count. But they are not always what they seem. Some pretentious jerks go to extreme lengths to impress people and in a way swindle away their trust. Making people see that they have money to burn even if they have none. Thinking that even if 'I don't get to enroll next semester as long as I have a new gadget that I could show off'. Or 'I could increase my debts just so I would be able to afford a fancy vacay with the whole family'. How cool is that? I know that it's none of my business but how superficial can you get? Do you think these fancy stuff can really mask the way you really are? The answer is NO. People talk and not everybody around you get suckered and convinced. One look at you and they could tell an authentic person from a wannabe. Just be content and be not always on the race to impress people. And refrain from being a braggart. There is always a person who is better than ourselves out there. So no need to rub it off people who we view beneath us.
       I know that I would be lying if I say just be yourself totally. I do know that it doesn't work all the time. Maybe in movies, yes, but not in real life. All of us have to seek ways to further ourselves. The way we look for example, can be improved by better clothes or a haircut that would suit us. Just take note that not everything that looks great on other people or whatever it is that is in or fashionable at the moment would also suit you. There are certain styles that would suit you just fine. So do look out for that or ask around for reliable suggestions. Some people do lose it on the fashion department just because they have the notion that what looks good on models would also look good on them. Thus, ending up as fashion road kills.
       People do try to fit in so forcibly they go overboard. That in their desperation to fit in they lose themselves in the process. There is nothing wrong with updating our looks or being healthy for a change but don't overdo it. Real people will like you for what you are as a person and not what you can change into just to be with them. If they can't appreciate you for what you are then they aren't worth your time. Even how we present ourselves in front of people and the way we act, we change just to get the approval of others. And to make people think that we indeed are cool and saucy. Mind you, however we mask it, it will eventually surface and reveal the true person beneath the makeshift facade. No matter how we cover ourselves with lavish things and apparent lovely stuff. We can't down the fact that we do become pretentious fools out to get ourselves in the end. To be found out that we are big frauds is the biggest folly there ever will. And end up being the loser that we tried so hard not to be. We have to bear in mind that we can't fool everybody even ourselves.
       Going back to the question of power. Does beauty equate to power? Good looks and a lasting impression can score you a job or a promotion. It can snag you a partner and an alliance. Actors and actresses, models and celebrities,  use their looks to gain fame and with it comes the power to woo and influence people. So indeed looks can get you thus far. See how many actors turned politicians there are. My point exactly. For them it's a way for channeling power. It can get things done. May it be a special favor or a free anything. That is power. In the realms of love, well the majority do look at the physical aspects first before anything else. I have to admit to this since I myself have a specific, preferred look. What the heck. It's the first thing we see. That's why gyms are so in now. No, apparently not because of health aspects but to gain the much preferred abs and physique to attract more prospective mates. Everything for the sake to look good. So what happens to people like me? Who by happenstance is not so conscious when it comes to diet and exercise. We do get left behind with no prospects to even consider. Reality is definitely harsh. So in a way we find it as a competition and end up enrolling in the nearest gym and shopping for the best skin care and whitening cream there is. Should life be like this? All about looks and the appearances we take. a big competition if you think about it. It becomes staggering and a bit hopeless. How life revolves around things as superficial and mundane. How life have been reduced to who is fair and beautiful should thrive and the rest should just conform and follow suit. I do know that this should not affect us in any way but sad to say it does. Now a lot of people are left feeling depressed, insecure, and unsuitable. Feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness are in constant presence. Desperation and defeat for some is a way of life just because it is dictated by our society that beauty is of the utmost importance in getting ahead. All I can say is to let it not rule us. We are here to make our own rules and live life the way we see fit. So what if we fall short on beauty and appearance, that we can surely make up with pleasing personality, intelligence, humor, talent and a good heart. These are far more important things than the 'how to's of looking good and making ourselves favorable for others. Let them appreciate us for who we really are and not who they want us to be in their eyes. To let them see what's deep within us and not the superficial shell that we can easily manufacture. To be judged upon with no care what it is they have to say about us. We are, who we are, so they have to learn and we have to learn to live with it. Someday, somehow people would take a second look at you and see something beautiful beyond your physicality and appearance. The hope that someday somebody would see us in our raw form and be appreciated is not totally gone. Nothing is over till it's over. Somewhere down the road the spiel of realization would hit everyone and get them to reconsider their take on true beauty and their priorities in life. How we see life in its deeper sense and learn to appreciate people not because of superficial aspects but finding meaning and worth in everything that we do is more important than physical attributes and mundane things.
       I do know that image is everything in our society now. You can go a long way with the right image. But the question is, 'Are you really the image you are portraying?' or 'Is it another one of your masks that you put on?'. In the end, even if we go on and on that our image is as important as our breathing, these things disappear. Our good looks and money can't last forever. They could disappear in a heartbeat. Then where will we be? What will be left in the end? What kind of legacy have you spawn? If we are so reliant on the image that we built and the appearance that we keep, then what would we be without it? The said power, respect, and confidence goes down the drain with it. Let us all think about that for a second. And hope that one day, someday in our future, the day would come that everything people consider as ugly in us would become the new beautiful. Fat would be the new sexy, black will be the new rave, and so on. So the choice is ours to explore, we can keep on hoping this day would come. Second one, we can rely on the innate goodness of people and wait to be noticed just as we are. Or we can succumb to the trend and make better versions of ourselves with the help of money and science. Take your pick and see what happens.   
              
       
                   

Linggo, Pebrero 9, 2014

Glitch

I've been so lost,
No way near right,
Been so far off,
So blinded, so distorted.

Lost all magnitude of direction,
Missed stop lights,
Moved past roads,
Into hills, off cliffs.

Falling down into the abyss,
Crashing into destruction,
No way to turn back,
Broken dreams, shattered hopes.

Each wrong turn, 
Deep into dark tunnels,
Lost all the light within,
Nothingness, darkness.

Amidst all confusion and chaos,
On my dreary way to demise,
Then a tiny sliver of light,
Soft, reassuring.

Linggo, Nobyembre 10, 2013

Baldy

       Going bald isn't something I ever dreamed of... but alas, one day while seating in a barber shop, I had just decided to go bald. It was quite a sudden decision that I myself was flustered for a while. They frequently say that you can always grow it back. In my circumstance, it was a case of a 'no turning back' thing. So as the razor progressed and my hair cut shorter and shorter. I saw myself in the mirror taking on a very drastic change. It's my first time to do it so it's a bit unnerving. Not that I'm on the offense with baldness or maybe I am. It's my future. If you guessed that I'm at the early stage of baldness then you guessed right. I've inherited it from my father. The dreaded genes that nobody wants. I would rather fancy genes that are responsible for good skin or even dimples. But lo and behold, I was blessed with that of the baldy one. Growing up I had already been introduced to the idea that someday I myself would get bald and I can't do anything about it. I've seen it from my father and majority of his relatives during a well attended reunion. So through the years I have tried to condition myself for my impending doom. Not that hair is that important to me. But hair does help in the looks department. It can help you look young and fresh. Whereas baldness really depicts that you are on the roads of being ancient. And it doesn't help in any plans of prospecting.
       I've always considered going bald but haven't had the chance to do so until now.  I was a bit hesitant because of the bald spot and the unruly, mess of a hair.  It's a drastic change. And of course, there is the fear that it might not suit me and then there is nothing I can do about it after. It's risky. And the fact that since I'm at the early stages of balding, it won't look great whilst I decide to grow it back. So I thought that once I  decide upon it, there is no turning back for me. I have to be committed to the fact that I'm now and forever more bald. Strange, but that was all brewing at the back of my mind. I was thinking of all the things that might go wrong after this tragic change. Never have I expected that it will garner such mixed reactions from my peers, family and friends.
       My mom hates it. Told me what was I thinking that I went bald. That I look more like a gangster and that it made me look older. Some liked it a lot. Thought that it suited me well. That I should consider keeping it that way. My contractor asked me if  I'm going through a rough time and if I did it because of depression. A friend thought I did it to try to fit in and in a way updating my look to jive in with the present trend. It's not at all like that. I blame everything on genetics and heredity. Why, oh why did I inherit such a gene?
       When I decided to go bald I have my valid reasons for doing so just not the courage to live them. It's crazy and maybe a spur of the moment kind of thing. But bottom line is that I've already considered it and that I maybe subconsciously pushing myself to get it done finally. If I haven't so decided abruptly, I would've chickened out and had myself denied of having leaped into the unknown. I could have been left wondering how better off I am as a baldy. Hahahaha....
       We all have reasons for doing whatever it is we do. Mine are as simple and clear as daylight. Eventually in my life I would be bald. Sooner or later I would be dubbed as 'kalbo' by my peers. So in my mind, why not head it off since I'm already halfway there. Maybe being bald now would acclimatize myself into the acceptance that I will and forever more be bald. It would be easier to shift into that way of life if I get used to it as early as now. There would therefore be a smooth and peaceful transition on my part. It has given me the illusion that going bald is indeed a choice rather than a burden dealt me by an upper hand. It's like getting used to the idea of being bald therefore lessening the fear of it finally happening. Now after the experience of going bald have been there. I'm no longer so averse with the idea. Now I can totally accept that it's my fate and I should  learn to live with it. I know it's a bit melodramatic for such a not so trivial thing. But I need this to somehow be able to come to terms with reality and not be bitter and depressed that other people can get to enjoy having a full head of hair and not me. To be able to get different styles done onto it that would define their mood and sense of being. But alas like what I said before looks and appearances can only get you thus far. Its what's inside of you that would really define the kind of person you are. And mind you, I'm not talking bout your innards. Alas! I'm not that great of a person so I need the hair badly. Kudos....