Bash-ful Ones

          Why can't we just be happy for other people’s achievements, however small they are? The fact that it is considered by somebody as an accomplishment makes it important for them. Somehow, we just find it in ourselves to bash them anyhow. Are we that mean and self centered that we see fit to criticize almost anything there is happening around us? It is not forbidden to have an opinion but to pass judgement even if it’s not warranted is a bit too much.

         Some people just find it worthwhile to criticize others to the extreme. It doesn’t mean that if we can, that we definitely should. Is it a sign of self assurance, or inferiority or is it just plain ignorance, that we continue to do it. Does it make us a better person and designed to make us feel better about ourselves? Or are we such great individuals that we are given the sublime power to judge others as we see fit.

      Some find it worthwhile to bash others because they feel bored and have nothing else good going for them. They find it fun and enjoyable to do. It is also used as a tool to divert attention to others and less on themselves. Such a cowardly act that victimizes the less fortunate ones. Maybe some equate it to power. The more mean they are the more powerful they project themselves to be. Or is it a sign of weakness that they need a mask for others not to pounce on them. Envy is such a strong deathly word, one of the six sins that we try not to possess. Though it’s one of the main reasons why bashing and acute judgments are passed. Put others down so they can emerge on top. It’s a dirty ploy but people do engage in it from time to time. To get ahead of their competitors, sometimes even their friends. It’s a doggy dog world out there, some may say. But do we literally have to be dogs and act like one to have a wonderful and fulfilled existence. Well even dogs have lovable traits that we can learn from.

         Bashers will never stop at anything to get us. So how do we deal with them? Ignore, ignore and ignore. Nothing good comes out stooping to their level. Prove them wrong in your own subtle way. Show others that you are indeed the bigger, wiser, and the more decent one. Just have it in your mind that in a way you are bringing them joy in bashing you. Think of it as a sort of charity work. Be patient with them. Patience is a great virtue. They will wear out in time and their sharp words will dull. Their demeanor will become old news to you. And you will be remembered as the triumphant one. For the bash-ful ones, well karma is real. Contentment, respect and, kindness will bring great happiness to everyone. They are not for sale and I believe there is no shortage whatsoever. They are up for grabs if you wish to possess them. Bashing others won’t bring you any good. It will just bring you despair. It won’t merit you a gold star but a lasting bad taste in others people’s mouths. It will not bring you success but it will drag you down even beneath the one you were so keen to degrade. In the end we should ask ourselves..., was it all worth it?

AWAKE

Sleep is elusive,

Reach hard as I may,

Seems to be beyond my grasps,

Restless, foreboding.

Though my eyes I close,

Dream I cannot,

For my brain is convulsed,

My mind in disarray.

Tired of the days past,

Still I lay awake,

But sleep I must,

For tomorrow I rise again.

F* Freedom

               Someone had said something derogatory to me earlier. I chose not to stoop to his level. Instead, I just told myself that they are the kind of people who were the reason I am the way I am today. The ones who taught me how to be strong, stand up for myself and fight for what I believe in. We fight for our own battles, this one can only be won by me.

               After hearing that snide remark, I had that sense of peace come over me. I felt no hate nor fear. I just felt sorry for the guy. Having a narrow mind and a closed off perception is a disease common to insensitive, foolish pricks. I came to the realization that I really don’t care what this person just said. Why? Because I don’t know him and have no plans of knowing him. He’s a stranger to me who just happen to have an acute even malignant sensibility. He is nothing to me. A nobody, who’s of no use or importance to me. If it were like 10-15 years ago, it might have hurt a lot. I might have teared up and hated myself more for being different. Today, I just stood there realizing what a pigheaded, narrow minded prude this person is. Here I am, a total stranger to him and still have the nerve to say those things to me. Imagine what the people close to him would have to deal with on a daily basis. It sucks for them. That is life. Life sucks a bit for all of us at one time or another. But don’t let other people dampen your mood or ruin your day. These people don’t know any better. So let them think whatever they want. Maybe that’s what makes them happy. Just don’t let yourself fall victim to shaming. Don’t let what they have to say dictate what our tomorrow would be. Don’t let them affect how we want to live our lives. Don’t feel bad about the situation but use it to your advantage and be the better person. No more sulking or feeling sorry for yourself. Pity is not a good companion. If we let these attacks interfere with our lives. They win, we lose. We don’t want that. Do we?

               I have endured this all my life and then some. It’s a constant battle that made me tough and sometimes unrelenting. It’s true what I often say how I am a far cry from who I was decades ago. I’m not totally proud of that. Being a little less nice isn’t that bad at all. Now, I’m the kind of person who just doesn’t really care unless you’re of importance and of great use to me. It may sound sinister and mean but that’s how I roll now. I don’t concern myself with all the other nonsensical things out there. I just find them annoying and very, very tired and exhausting. I came to accept that these things don’t define us totally. All of these things are put there to distract us and at the same time teach us. None of these outside forces can really affect us not unless we let them. I realized that all I need now is myself and some of the nicest, most supportive people around me. The rest draws a blur. I don’t think everybody would agree but it’s where my coping mechanisms has brought me to. And, it works for me. It has given me a sense of freedom from judgment and malicious intent. Freedom from evil people, (smirking) by becoming one. Lol! Just kidding, or am I?

               Ever since I’ve heard of these immortal words uttered by none other than Ms. Jacklyn Jose, “Kung ikaw bitch, ako super bitch!”, from a movie I forgot the tittle of. I had an epiphany. It’s very catchy and very true on my part. Strikes fear among others. I love it. It’s totally for me. It’s me personified. I slayed my demons by becoming one. I know it sounds menacing that as if I had become those who I hate so much before, but no. Being the bitch part is a retaliation towards those who continuously abuse people like me. I wanted to show that we are not weak and they should be looking out for themselves because we just don’t back down that easily. You have been forewarned. I have the knack for reciprocating deeds. So if you’re nice then you’ll get nice out of me. If you’re a bitch then you know what’s coming your way. Nice doesn’t always cut it nowadays. It helps to have fangs once in a while to fight your chosen battles. When I say battles, I don’t mean war. Winning doesn’t always mean getting ahead or causing damage or destroying somebody.

               Winning, is the triumph against all odds. It’s not about slaying dragons. But slaying our inner demons. Demons that we sowed ourselves. Doubts and insecurities that we have let others embed in our consciousness. Like what I said earlier they won’t be able to affect us unless we let them. Unless we listen and let that be ingrained in our being. We still have the last say on things. We should always remember that. We fight norms, traditions, beliefs that were imposed upon us. And try to rewrite what is to be the norm for us and let these individuals see through our eyes. To educate and let them understand that we are no different. We also demand the same respect they are accorded for. I had become a bitch to show them I can stand on my feet and face them head on. Whilst still maintaining a shred of decency and good sense about me. That is freedom. Not having to always care what others think of me. Negating their ability to put me down and hurt me just for being different and not fitting the flask that I was supposed to fill. Darn it! Not anymore. I once told some unfavorable person, “Well, that’s your opinion. Would you care to hear mine?.”

               There would always be an unsavory character always waiting right around the corner. Trust me, we will never run out of those in our lives and in the next. It’s just a matter of facing each one of them with such class and topnotch breeding and dignity. You don’t have to listen to everything they say but just take in what you think would matter in you life. Whatever hurtful thing they say, it still requires your wholehearted permission for it to mean anything. Listen to those people who love you and of great significance to you. For they are the only ones who know you through and through. And of course listen to what you have to say. Like what Queen Cat said, “...always look for the silver lining....” Whatever mean, derogatory things we hear aimed at us. That doesn’t define us. We know ourselves more that anybody else. Turn every scorching word into something positive that you can live with. Now I know me better.  Now I can move forward confident that whatever I do next is all up to me. All the negative stuff along the way will never ever define me but teach me valuable lessons which I could learn from. Talk about my silver lining there. Lol! Freedom is at your grasp. It’s up to you when to seize it.

Crushing on Boys

       Having crushes is inherently normal. But in my case it can be viewed by some as offly weird, abnormal and sometimes anomalous. That's how hard it was for me growing up. Living up to the said standards is quite frustrating and problematic. It's depressing how others can just take one look at you and be judged as somebody peculiar. Just because you don't fit in that category set for you. You get teased, bullied and made fun of just because you don't act the same as the others of your kind. You get treated differently as if you're deemed weak and incapable. I've been through all of that. All the hate, all the teasing, all the back calls, all the stares, all of the discrimination. It would've been a sad life for me lest I haven't risen from all of it. 

       Risen from all of it, I did. I made sure I wouldn't be just known as the weird kid in our place but an exceptional one. I did good in school and been a great kid people took notice of. I have garnered respect from being somebody beyond reproach. It worked, but not totally. I am still dealt with the occasional remarks and the malicious stares. I'm a living testament to how hard it is to survive and live under the scrutiny of others. You move and act as if dictated and controlled by forces unknown. I've learned to hide my real feelings and inner dealings just as not to be further judged. I'm always in constant worry how I would be treated once I leave the safety of my home. The fact that my family is well known in our area didn't help. It only meant more eyes on me. Of course nobody wants to be a disappointment to their family. So I have to work extra harder to show them that even if I'm like this I can still do good.

       Crushing on boys was the ultimate indication of where my sexuality lies. The common in denial commentary would be that having a crush is only a sign of admiration. Bullocks! It's totally crazy. There's a fine line between admiration and having a crush on somebody. When you're experiencing the latter one then it's confirmed. You belong to the third sex category. I belong in the same group. I know it's hard to live like this and am still living, surviving each day as a normal human being.
       Yeah, it was hard growing up like this and I've known since I was young that I am definitely different from the rest of my peers. I grew up living with a bunch of women that I somehow absorbed all that they embody. It figures why I have a certain affinity to girls. Not romantically but the sisterly, friendly way. And the absence of a father figure, who was working in Saudi that time, during my formative years didn't help. As you can deduce with my earlier statements, I got teased a lot. Being fat didn't help, so I was bullied twice as much. I was called a lot of names; baboy, bakla, prinsesa, tabachoy, babsi, manay and many more highly insulting words of degradation. So I made a choice to stand up and show them I'm better than the rest of them considering I have my eccentricities. It somehow worked and eventually they saw me as their equal and the respect was earned. The teasing became less and less and beyond earshot. I know it's still there. People talking behind my back. At least now it's less vulgar and they are less vocal of their judgments of me.
       Nobody wants to be born this way. It's not a choice to be different, it's just there. The choice therefore is how you live your life knowing that you are different. On how you would treat this kind of uniqueness. How to turn a seemingly disadvantageous thing (as how others may view it) to your advantage. How you deal with the card you were dealt with. How you rise above all the challenges it would bring. I'm not gonna lie, but if given a chance to be born normal I would definitely grab it. Who wouldn't want a normal childhood. A normal life which doesn't evoke curious stares and distasteful gazes. But I'm already here brandishing the word queer on my forehead. And it's entirely up to me how I go about my life. I'm proud of who I am now. No regrets. Totally at ease with the reality of it all. Totally embracing the fact that I'm different and loving it.    
       After years of existence I've learned a lot and matured into somebody stronger. Oblivious of other people and what they have to say. That for me is what winning really means. Freedom in its totality. My finest hour. It should be you who defines yourself and not others. Because you know yourself best. Nothing, nothing should beat you down. No amount of words however harsh should affect the way you want to live and exist. Freedom, baby it's yours so take it by the balls. Nobody should be able to take that away from you. Don't let them.  And as my story continues I'm still crushing and gushing at boys. That will never change and go away because that's me. My nature if I may say so. For those who disagree go to he**. That's my reality go seek yours.              

Second Chances

       Have you been in the situation where you are so dreading the word betrayal, and then it happens. To you, yes you, and nobody else. Suddenly you become that person you often see on TV and in movies. Your world starts to crumble at its foundation and begin to cave in. Your heart pierced and maimed repeatedly. As your eyes dry out from tears. As you feel yourself lost in a trance and incapable of feeling anymore. Then you just want it to end and be done with it. One time only and no more.   

       After all these, are you still willing to make sacrifices for things to work  out the second time around. Do you really believe that everything will turn out okay in the end? That everything will just magically return back to how it was before that awful truth came out? It's either you are in denial or just a martyr. Or just blind to see people just don't change in that brief instant or change at all. It's like cancer which sometimes go on remission and when it comes back, often than not, it becomes  even more aggressive.
       It's like being God when you are dealt with the task to decide whether to give somebody a second chance. It's a make or break it moment that will actually commandeer the rest of your life. So why should I be a believer in second chances.
       Second chances are a bit overrated. You don't have to ask for it in the first place if you have done your part better the first time. Been considerate and faithful to begin with. Does that mean that whenever a person commits a mistake they are, or should be justified and be considered a fluke. A fluke that could happen once in a while. With that in mind what is your guarantee that it will never happen again? What's stopping the person from hurting you over and over again? A change of heart? I don't think so. Not unless they become sainted.
       The thing is after the deed was done and second chances given, you would always have doubts and disbelief. There would always be a very dark cloud hanging over your relationship for the rest of your life. And for me that very thing is not healthy and in the long run will eventually cause you future problems. Then you'll just end up in the same situation you were in before you've dealt them another chance.    

       Practicality should be considered foremost and not some perverted reasons in staying in a nuisance of a relationship. Love being one of these reasons. You may be sure that you are so in love with the person but the question should be is he/she in love with you that much to even consider committing relationship treason. Another is separation anxiety. You've been together a long time that you got so used to having the person around. Well, wake up and smell the roses. Apparently the person doesn't feel the same way, for every time you're not around he/she finds comfort in somebody else. The fear of having to give up on the relationship after years of building it up, strikes a lonely chord in you. Everything gone to waste. All the effort, all the time and all the emotions. That's really sad but the thing is you should see yourself in the way he/she sees you. A back up plan that would be handy once it doesn't work anymore with the third party. The person he/she can go back to when he/she gets tired of the other one. A post always there for him to lean and fall back on in times of crisis and in times of guilt. A person which gives them a sense of stability. In short, a thing, some material he uses for his advantage and at his convenience. Stripped of love and emotions. Agree? Another is if there are already kids to consider. A friend told me once that when you already have kids you're not only deciding for yourself but them as well. One should take into consideration the welfare of the kids. What this decision would do to them and how it would impact their lives presently, and in the future. Kids should always come first. Sad reality. But it's there.

       Been there, done that. I had several first hand experiences in being betrayed. I can tell you it's not fun. In my three relationships, all of them ending tragically. Root cause is betrayal. The dreaded third party. It's true what they say that not all parties are supposedly fun. This kind of party is dreadful, heart wrenching and emotionally draining. The experience has thought me not to be trusting and to be very selective of people. And as far as second chances go, they prove to be immaterial and a total waste of time. All it does is buy you time till you move on into a new relationship. Or dig a deeper grave for you to wallow into. The feeling of restlessness comes with the territory. In the end you'll end up looking spent and haggard from all the worrying and all the suppositions. Worries regarding 'where the hell is he/she?', 'what the hell he/she might be doing at this moment?', 'is he/she with somebody else?', 'why isn't he/she answering their phone?', and other things like that. These questions will eat you alive and then what will be left? It's better to rid yourself of the philandering goon as early as possible before they suck up all that is good in you. Because if not, all you'll have left is hatred and anger. Like what happened to me. Sometimes I see people as objects. All the hurt have drained me of compassion. It's hard for me to feel, not unless I fake it. In that department I'm so good that I secretly applaud myself.  I'm a frustrated actor, so that would explain a lot on how I deal with emotions.     

       I'm not saying that you should totally abandon second chances. And be bitter like me. I'm just saying you reconsider and look deeper into the person. If he/she indeed deserves that second go. Be mindful of the extent of betrayal that you've been dealt with and the capacity of the person for change, and their capacity for fidelity. In short know your partner well before you even think about entering a relationship. A lengthy courtship will indeed help. It will definitely save you a lot of heartaches and headaches. Second chances are indeed overrated for me. Might not be the case for you but I hope you reconsider. 

      

About Me

I'm often perceived as snobbish and snooty.
Kids love me. I don't know why. Often times I do think maybe I look like a clown.
I might smile at you and then frown once you turn your back.
I'm highly appreciative. A piece of candy can generate heartfelt thanks.
Sometimes judgmental depending on the person. If you're nice then we're good but if nasty then all sorts of    judgement will be passed.
I'm nice to decently, nice people and otherwise if not.
I often have evil thoughts. Having them have become a perfect pastime for me.
I love to read books and can finish one in a day depending on how much I like it.
I'm an expert in holding grudges. I might not express it all the time but I'm not the kind that forgets.
A person who you don't want to be in a pickle with. Mainly because when I get mad I explode.
Very selective when it comes to people I talk to and choose to be friends with. And those I hang out with.
Antagonistic in nature. I'll surely fight for something I know is right against all odds regardless who I'm dealing with.
It's in my nature to be nice somehow. So when I forget who I'm portraying, which is supposed to be a bitch, I tend to be nice to almost everybody. Even the 'unlikeables'.
I'm a trove of conflicting ideas that I sometimes confuse myself.
Hate people who divulge other people's secrets. It's not theirs to tell in the first place.
I unfriend people on a daily basis. Just add them and unfriend later. Feels nice to do that.
I'm quite honest if asked for my opinion but wouldn't voice it out if unsolicited.
I find it amusing to be nice to those I don't like. It's like stabbing them on the back every time.
Hypocrisy fascinates me.
Sometimes I revert to it to be civil with people that don't amuse me.
I'm very transparent so just look for clues and you'll be enlightened.
I've changed so much. I'm a far cry of my old self.
When you see me frowning, I'm definitely thinking about something.
If caught smizing and grimacing, I'm definitely concocting a rather superfluous evil thought.
I'm more afraid of the living than the supernatural. 
I've been left out, cheated on, duped and swindled by people I chose to be close to.
Some people say I have such a sweet smile and that makes me smile more.
I don't trust so easily.
I find it easier to hate than to love.
I'm writing this as the thoughts come to me. And it has come to my attention that most of them are positively negative (chuckles)...
... still thinking at present of what else to write in here.
And I'm writing this to have a sense of release. Not for anything else. 

Ways On How To Shut Up An Obnoxious Person

       I'm the kind of person who doesn't really care most of the time. Who easily gets bored especially if I don't like the person I'm talking to. And for most of the time doesn't really care for stuff that doesn't concern me. So I have my ways for silencing people who I don't want to converse with anymore than I like to strangle somebody. Seriously, there are those that just couldn't shut it. Those that love the attention, they just talk others to boredom and apparent annoyance. Sometimes going on and on about the same topic over and over again. Drives you to madness and obscurity. Obnoxious fellows who I dare not name. And dare not be caught in a conversation with. People who think that what they have to say is far more important than anything there is. Persistent, egoistical, blabbering globs commonly followed by indistinct buzzing.
       So here are some effective ways of avoidance and for shutting somebody up to save yourself from relentless bugging and buzzing.

Busy as a Bee

       Pretend you have a lot to do and too preoccupied to even pay attention and listen.
   
       "OMG! Why is it that I have a lot to do?" (gushing to yourself). "I have to focus. I'm getting nowhere near finishing this. I'm so stressed." 

       You say this while you act as if you're doing a lot of stuff all at the same time. You should also look panic stricken and so beside yourself for this to work. The person might even end up helping you. And keep on sighing just to prevent the start of a conversation.

Daydream on...

       You have your attention elsewhere. In deep thought with a distinct look of fantasm. Or in a place so far, far away. Even if you can hear everything coming out of their singular mouth.

       Silence.... Throw in some grunts and soft sighs. And don't forget that faraway look.

       You should display a vacant expression as if lost in your own thoughts of love and fairies and happily ever afters.

Affirmation

       Just nod, say yes or agree to everything and whatever they have to say. Don't offer lengthy comments. Limit them to monosyllabic responses. Lengthy replies would just boost them and fuel their drive to talk more. Short responses would only signify lost of interest and boredom. So eventually they will get tired and pissed then shut up.

      "Ahhhh... Yah.; Yup; Yes; Nice; Really?; Really nice.; Great!; Awesome!; Wow!," so on and so forth.

       You should have an almost fake smile plastered on your face and all too eager nod to accompany each affirmation. And an all too solemnly sad face if it's something tragic he/she's talking about. Key here is to exaggerate. Exaggeration may cause annoyance and that will be the end of a tragic, ear splitting narrative.

Hello Telephone

       Pretend you are talking on the phone and need to go elsewhere for privacy. The reception is bad and you need to find some signal. You are expecting a call at any moment and the signal is bad that you have to leave in search of a better signal bearing place so far off. Again there is a need for sublime exaggeration. Be comical if need be.

       "Hello, hello... I'm losing you. Dyan kapa ba? The reception is crappy. Do you hear me? You still there? Choppy, choppy...." "Walang signal. I'm expecting a call. Wait lang ha, hanap lang ako ng signal."

       It's lame I know but works with a smile towards your bubbling, twitting friend.   

Restroom Break/May I Go Out

       Fake a need to go to the restroom. Works all the time. Just be fancy with the reason for doing so. Hint on a worse case scenario about to happen if you don't go. An impending pee fest, a diarrhea about to unleash its full wrath. Accompanied with constant grunting and cramps, the likes.

Puzzlement

      Suddenly open a topic on which he/she isn't well versed with or have no idea about. That would definitely shut them up. Giving you the power to return the compliment by talking too much. That would make them realize that what they're doing isn't acceptable and humane.
       Or it can be you who's the puzzled one. You can pretend that you know nothing of the topic at hand and just be dumb about it. This would cause sudden irritation on the part of the ever so talkative person. Ending the supposed to be long and tiring tirade.
       In order for this to work, you should look a quite uncertain and a blank 'what the hell are you talking bout' kind of look. Ask obvious questions and repeatedly nag the person of a question that would make them end up to be lost in translation themselves. Crafty.    

Diversion

       Divert their attention onto something else as trivial as they may come. Or to somebody they'll probably or more likely to talk to. Relinquishing their attention and transferring it to that very unlucky person. Giving you leverage to just butt in from time to time instead of constantly quacking and gawking at the person. And the chance to edge out of the conversation and be totally out of it. Better them than you. It can be tiring to be so eager and  to look interested and highly conversant even if you wanted to do otherwise. It's relinquished burden.

Deaf Defying Act

       When they start on something, pretend you haven't heard them the first time. And constantly do it again and again. Thus, giving them the idea that you're not paying attention to what they're saying. Deeming what they have to say unimportant and irrelevant to you. That alone would make them think that you're not worth hearing whatever they have to say however cliche it is.

       "What? Didn't hear you the first time." "What's that again? I wasn't paying attention." "Really? Really? Seriously? Come on?"

       Questions like these would surely frustrate the person leaving you to your own thoughts. Not your fault since you are more deaf than a legit deaf person. It's hard to beat a dramatic, expertly put scene.

Secrets

       As soon as your friend opens their mouth. Beat them to the punch by appearing dreamy and full of secrets. Wet their appetite by hinting on a secret that you don't have the liberty to tell. Be overly dramatic on refusing their request for a juicy tidbit. So just sashay your way into amorphous, flowery interlude and then divulge nothing in the end. Let them wait and suffer. Come up with colorful reasons on why you can't tell a soul about your scoop. This will turn you into the star and that defeats their purpose of purposefully edging themselves into the spot light. This will totally drive them crazy, pissed at you. Ending something that was supposed to have suck the life out of you.    
             
  
       So there you go... a few easy ways to cast a stopper into those hungry, word vomiting friends and foes. Just be classy and convincing with an edge of  sarcasm and they will definitely work wonders.