Miyerkules, Abril 15, 2015

Crushing on Boys

       Having crushes is inherently normal. But in my case it can be viewed by some as offly weird, abnormal and sometimes anomalous. That's how hard it was for me growing up. Living to the said standards is quite frustrating and problematic. It's depressing how others can just take one look at you and be judged as somebody peculiar. Just because you don't fit in that category set for you. You get teased, bullied and made fun of just because you don't act the same as the others of your kind. You get treated differently as if you're deemed weak and incapable. I've been through all of that. All the hate, all the teasing, all the back calls, all the stares, all of the discrimination. It would've been a sad life for me lest I haven't risen from all of it. 
       Risen from all of it, I did. I made sure I wouldn't be just known as the weird kid in our place but an exceptional one. I did good in school and been a great kid people took notice of. I have garnered respect from being somebody beyond reproach. It worked, but not totally. I am still dealt with the occasional remarks and the malicious stares. I'm a living testament to how hard it is to survive and live under the scrutiny of others. You move and act as if dictated and controlled by forces unknown. I've learned to hide my real feelings and inner dealings just as not to be further judged. I'm always in constant worry how I would be treated once I leave the safety of my home. The fact that my family is well known in our area didn't help. It only meant more eyes on me. Of course nobody wants to be a disappointment to their family. So I have to work extra harder to show them that even if I'm like this I can still do good.
       Crushing on boys was the ultimate indication of where my sexuality lies. The common in denial commentary would be that having a crush is only a sign of admiration. Bullocks! It's totally crazy. There's a fine line between admiration and having a crush on somebody. When you're experiencing the latter one then it's confirmed. You belong to the third sex category. I belong in the same group. I know it's hard to live like this and am still living, surviving each day as a normal human being.
       Yeah, it was hard growing up like this and I've known since I was young that I am definitely different from the rest of my peers. I grew up living with a bunch of women that I somehow absorbed all that they embody. It figures why I have a certain affinity to girls. Not romantically but the sisterly, friendly way. And the absence of a father figure, who was working in Saudi that time, during my formative years didn't help. As you can deduce with my earlier statements, I got teased a lot. Being fat didn't help, so I was bullied twice as much. I was called a lot of names; baboy, bakla, prinsesa, tabachoy, babsi, manay and many more highly insulting words of degradation. So I made a choice to stand up and show them I'm better than the rest of them considering I have my eccentricities. It somehow worked and eventually they saw me as their equal and the respect was earned. The teasing became less and less and beyond earshot. I know it's still there. People talking behind my back. At least now it's less vulgar and they are less vocal of their judgments of me.
       Nobody wants to be born this way. It's not a choice to be different, it's just there. The choice therefore is how you live your life knowing that you are different. On how you would treat this kind of uniqueness. How to turn a seemingly disadvantageous thing (as how others may view it) to your advantage. How you deal with the card you were dealt with. How you rise above all the challenges it would bring. I'm not gonna lie, but if given a chance to be born normal I would definitely grab it. Who wouldn't want a normal childhood. A normal life which doesn't evoke curious stares and distasteful gazes. But I'm already here brandishing the word queer on my forehead. And it's entirely up to me how I go about my life. I'm proud of who I am now. No regrets. Totally at ease with the reality of it all. Totally embracing the fact that I'm different and loving it.    
       After years of existence I've learned a lot and matured into somebody stronger. Oblivious of other people and what they have to say. That for me is what winning really means. Freedom in its totality. My finest hour. It should be you who defines yourself and not others. Because you know yourself best. Nothing, nothing should beat you down. No amount of words however harsh should affect the way you want to live and exist. Freedom, baby it's yours so take it by the balls. Nobody should be able to take that away from you. Don't let them.  And as my story continues I'm still crushing and gushing at boys. That will never change and go away because that's me. My nature if I may say so. For those who disagree go to he**. That's my reality go seek yours.              

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