F* Freedom

               Someone had said something derogatory to me earlier. I chose not to stoop to his level. Instead, I just told myself that they are the kind of people who were the reason I am the way I am today. The ones who taught me how to be strong, stand up for myself and fight for what I believe in. We fight for our own battles, this one can only be won by me.

               After hearing that snide remark, I had that sense of peace come over me. I felt no hate nor fear. I just felt sorry for the guy. Having a narrow mind and a closed off perception is a disease common to insensitive, foolish pricks. I came to the realization that I really don’t care what this person just said. Why? Because I don’t know him and have no plans of knowing him. He’s a stranger to me who just happen to have an acute even malignant sensibility. He is nothing to me. A nobody, who’s of no use or importance to me. If it were like 10-15 years ago, it might have hurt a lot. I might have teared up and hated myself more for being different. Today, I just stood there realizing what a pigheaded, narrow minded prude this person is. Here I am, a total stranger to him and still have the nerve to say those things to me. Imagine what the people close to him would have to deal with on a daily basis. It sucks for them. That is life. Life sucks a bit for all of us at one time or another. But don’t let other people dampen your mood or ruin your day. These people don’t know any better. So let them think whatever they want. Maybe that’s what makes them happy. Just don’t let yourself fall victim to shaming. Don’t let what they have to say dictate what our tomorrow would be. Don’t let them affect how we want to live our lives. Don’t feel bad about the situation but use it to your advantage and be the better person. No more sulking or feeling sorry for yourself. Pity is not a good companion. If we let these attacks interfere with our lives. They win, we lose. We don’t want that. Do we?

               I have endured this all my life and then some. It’s a constant battle that made me tough and sometimes unrelenting. It’s true what I often say how I am a far cry from who I was decades ago. I’m not totally proud of that. Being a little less nice isn’t that bad at all. Now, I’m the kind of person who just doesn’t really care unless you’re of importance and of great use to me. It may sound sinister and mean but that’s how I roll now. I don’t concern myself with all the other nonsensical things out there. I just find them annoying and very, very tired and exhausting. I came to accept that these things don’t define us totally. All of these things are put there to distract us and at the same time teach us. None of these outside forces can really affect us not unless we let them. I realized that all I need now is myself and some of the nicest, most supportive people around me. The rest draws a blur. I don’t think everybody would agree but it’s where my coping mechanisms has brought me to. And, it works for me. It has given me a sense of freedom from judgment and malicious intent. Freedom from evil people, (smirking) by becoming one. Lol! Just kidding, or am I?

               Ever since I’ve heard of these immortal words uttered by none other than Ms. Jacklyn Jose, “Kung ikaw bitch, ako super bitch!”, from a movie I forgot the tittle of. I had an epiphany. It’s very catchy and very true on my part. Strikes fear among others. I love it. It’s totally for me. It’s me personified. I slayed my demons by becoming one. I know it sounds menacing that as if I had become those who I hate so much before, but no. Being the bitch part is a retaliation towards those who continuously abuse people like me. I wanted to show that we are not weak and they should be looking out for themselves because we just don’t back down that easily. You have been forewarned. I have the knack for reciprocating deeds. So if you’re nice then you’ll get nice out of me. If you’re a bitch then you know what’s coming your way. Nice doesn’t always cut it nowadays. It helps to have fangs once in a while to fight your chosen battles. When I say battles, I don’t mean war. Winning doesn’t always mean getting ahead or causing damage or destroying somebody.

               Winning, is the triumph against all odds. It’s not about slaying dragons. But slaying our inner demons. Demons that we sowed ourselves. Doubts and insecurities that we have let others embed in our consciousness. Like what I said earlier they won’t be able to affect us unless we let them. Unless we listen and let that be ingrained in our being. We still have the last say on things. We should always remember that. We fight norms, traditions, beliefs that were imposed upon us. And try to rewrite what is to be the norm for us and let these individuals see through our eyes. To educate and let them understand that we are no different. We also demand the same respect they are accorded for. I had become a bitch to show them I can stand on my feet and face them head on. Whilst still maintaining a shred of decency and good sense about me. That is freedom. Not having to always care what others think of me. Negating their ability to put me down and hurt me just for being different and not fitting the flask that I was supposed to fill. Darn it! Not anymore. I once told some unfavorable person, “Well, that’s your opinion. Would you care to hear mine?.”

               There would always be an unsavory character always waiting right around the corner. Trust me, we will never run out of those in our lives and in the next. It’s just a matter of facing each one of them with such class and topnotch breeding and dignity. You don’t have to listen to everything they say but just take in what you think would matter in you life. Whatever hurtful thing they say, it still requires your wholehearted permission for it to mean anything. Listen to those people who love you and of great significance to you. For they are the only ones who know you through and through. And of course listen to what you have to say. Like what Queen Cat said, “...always look for the silver lining....” Whatever mean, derogatory things we hear aimed at us. That doesn’t define us. We know ourselves more that anybody else. Turn every scorching word into something positive that you can live with. Now I know me better.  Now I can move forward confident that whatever I do next is all up to me. All the negative stuff along the way will never ever define me but teach me valuable lessons which I could learn from. Talk about my silver lining there. Lol! Freedom is at your grasp. It’s up to you when to seize it.