Crushing on Boys

       Having crushes is inherently normal. But in my case it can be viewed by some as offly weird, abnormal and sometimes anomalous. That's how hard it was for me growing up. Living up to the said standards is quite frustrating and problematic. It's depressing how others can just take one look at you and be judged as somebody peculiar. Just because you don't fit in that category set for you. You get teased, bullied and made fun of just because you don't act the same as the others of your kind. You get treated differently as if you're deemed weak and incapable. I've been through all of that. All the hate, all the teasing, all the back calls, all the stares, all of the discrimination. It would've been a sad life for me lest I haven't risen from all of it. 

       Risen from all of it, I did. I made sure I wouldn't be just known as the weird kid in our place but an exceptional one. I did good in school and been a great kid people took notice of. I have garnered respect from being somebody beyond reproach. It worked, but not totally. I am still dealt with the occasional remarks and the malicious stares. I'm a living testament to how hard it is to survive and live under the scrutiny of others. You move and act as if dictated and controlled by forces unknown. I've learned to hide my real feelings and inner dealings just as not to be further judged. I'm always in constant worry how I would be treated once I leave the safety of my home. The fact that my family is well known in our area didn't help. It only meant more eyes on me. Of course nobody wants to be a disappointment to their family. So I have to work extra harder to show them that even if I'm like this I can still do good.

       Crushing on boys was the ultimate indication of where my sexuality lies. The common in denial commentary would be that having a crush is only a sign of admiration. Bullocks! It's totally crazy. There's a fine line between admiration and having a crush on somebody. When you're experiencing the latter one then it's confirmed. You belong to the third sex category. I belong in the same group. I know it's hard to live like this and am still living, surviving each day as a normal human being.
       Yeah, it was hard growing up like this and I've known since I was young that I am definitely different from the rest of my peers. I grew up living with a bunch of women that I somehow absorbed all that they embody. It figures why I have a certain affinity to girls. Not romantically but the sisterly, friendly way. And the absence of a father figure, who was working in Saudi that time, during my formative years didn't help. As you can deduce with my earlier statements, I got teased a lot. Being fat didn't help, so I was bullied twice as much. I was called a lot of names; baboy, bakla, prinsesa, tabachoy, babsi, manay and many more highly insulting words of degradation. So I made a choice to stand up and show them I'm better than the rest of them considering I have my eccentricities. It somehow worked and eventually they saw me as their equal and the respect was earned. The teasing became less and less and beyond earshot. I know it's still there. People talking behind my back. At least now it's less vulgar and they are less vocal of their judgments of me.
       Nobody wants to be born this way. It's not a choice to be different, it's just there. The choice therefore is how you live your life knowing that you are different. On how you would treat this kind of uniqueness. How to turn a seemingly disadvantageous thing (as how others may view it) to your advantage. How you deal with the card you were dealt with. How you rise above all the challenges it would bring. I'm not gonna lie, but if given a chance to be born normal I would definitely grab it. Who wouldn't want a normal childhood. A normal life which doesn't evoke curious stares and distasteful gazes. But I'm already here brandishing the word queer on my forehead. And it's entirely up to me how I go about my life. I'm proud of who I am now. No regrets. Totally at ease with the reality of it all. Totally embracing the fact that I'm different and loving it.    
       After years of existence I've learned a lot and matured into somebody stronger. Oblivious of other people and what they have to say. That for me is what winning really means. Freedom in its totality. My finest hour. It should be you who defines yourself and not others. Because you know yourself best. Nothing, nothing should beat you down. No amount of words however harsh should affect the way you want to live and exist. Freedom, baby it's yours so take it by the balls. Nobody should be able to take that away from you. Don't let them.  And as my story continues I'm still crushing and gushing at boys. That will never change and go away because that's me. My nature if I may say so. For those who disagree go to he**. That's my reality go seek yours.              

Second Chances

       Have you been in the situation where you are so dreading the word betrayal, and then it happens. To you, yes you, and nobody else. Suddenly you become that person you often see on TV and in movies. Your world starts to crumble at its foundation and begin to cave in. Your heart pierced and maimed repeatedly. As your eyes dry out from tears. As you feel yourself lost in a trance and incapable of feeling anymore. Then you just want it to end and be done with it. One time only and no more.   

       After all these, are you still willing to make sacrifices for things to work  out the second time around. Do you really believe that everything will turn out okay in the end? That everything will just magically return back to how it was before that awful truth came out? It's either you are in denial or just a martyr. Or just blind to see people just don't change in that brief instant or change at all. It's like cancer which sometimes go on remission and when it comes back, often than not, it becomes  even more aggressive.
       It's like being God when you are dealt with the task to decide whether to give somebody a second chance. It's a make or break it moment that will actually commandeer the rest of your life. So why should I be a believer in second chances.
       Second chances are a bit overrated. You don't have to ask for it in the first place if you have done your part better the first time. Been considerate and faithful to begin with. Does that mean that whenever a person commits a mistake they are, or should be justified and be considered a fluke. A fluke that could happen once in a while. With that in mind what is your guarantee that it will never happen again? What's stopping the person from hurting you over and over again? A change of heart? I don't think so. Not unless they become sainted.
       The thing is after the deed was done and second chances given, you would always have doubts and disbelief. There would always be a very dark cloud hanging over your relationship for the rest of your life. And for me that very thing is not healthy and in the long run will eventually cause you future problems. Then you'll just end up in the same situation you were in before you've dealt them another chance.    

       Practicality should be considered foremost and not some perverted reasons in staying in a nuisance of a relationship. Love being one of these reasons. You may be sure that you are so in love with the person but the question should be is he/she in love with you that much to even consider committing relationship treason. Another is separation anxiety. You've been together a long time that you got so used to having the person around. Well, wake up and smell the roses. Apparently the person doesn't feel the same way, for every time you're not around he/she finds comfort in somebody else. The fear of having to give up on the relationship after years of building it up, strikes a lonely chord in you. Everything gone to waste. All the effort, all the time and all the emotions. That's really sad but the thing is you should see yourself in the way he/she sees you. A back up plan that would be handy once it doesn't work anymore with the third party. The person he/she can go back to when he/she gets tired of the other one. A post always there for him to lean and fall back on in times of crisis and in times of guilt. A person which gives them a sense of stability. In short, a thing, some material he uses for his advantage and at his convenience. Stripped of love and emotions. Agree? Another is if there are already kids to consider. A friend told me once that when you already have kids you're not only deciding for yourself but them as well. One should take into consideration the welfare of the kids. What this decision would do to them and how it would impact their lives presently, and in the future. Kids should always come first. Sad reality. But it's there.

       Been there, done that. I had several first hand experiences in being betrayed. I can tell you it's not fun. In my three relationships, all of them ending tragically. Root cause is betrayal. The dreaded third party. It's true what they say that not all parties are supposedly fun. This kind of party is dreadful, heart wrenching and emotionally draining. The experience has thought me not to be trusting and to be very selective of people. And as far as second chances go, they prove to be immaterial and a total waste of time. All it does is buy you time till you move on into a new relationship. Or dig a deeper grave for you to wallow into. The feeling of restlessness comes with the territory. In the end you'll end up looking spent and haggard from all the worrying and all the suppositions. Worries regarding 'where the hell is he/she?', 'what the hell he/she might be doing at this moment?', 'is he/she with somebody else?', 'why isn't he/she answering their phone?', and other things like that. These questions will eat you alive and then what will be left? It's better to rid yourself of the philandering goon as early as possible before they suck up all that is good in you. Because if not, all you'll have left is hatred and anger. Like what happened to me. Sometimes I see people as objects. All the hurt have drained me of compassion. It's hard for me to feel, not unless I fake it. In that department I'm so good that I secretly applaud myself.  I'm a frustrated actor, so that would explain a lot on how I deal with emotions.     

       I'm not saying that you should totally abandon second chances. And be bitter like me. I'm just saying you reconsider and look deeper into the person. If he/she indeed deserves that second go. Be mindful of the extent of betrayal that you've been dealt with and the capacity of the person for change, and their capacity for fidelity. In short know your partner well before you even think about entering a relationship. A lengthy courtship will indeed help. It will definitely save you a lot of heartaches and headaches. Second chances are indeed overrated for me. Might not be the case for you but I hope you reconsider.